On being a cyborg

When I think of cyborgs I picture a Terminator, or perhaps one of the Cybermen from Doctor Who. Not me. And yet, because I have a pacemaker, I am a cyborg*:

a person whose physiological functioning is aided by
or dependent upon a mechanical or electronic device.

Dictionary.com**

There are plenty of us out there who fall into this category; people with pacemakers, mechanical valves, artificial legs, eyes, hands, whatever. Some people would argue that even people who wear glasses are cyborgs.  A discussion about someone wearing glasses being a cyborg was actually what started me off thinking about this whole subject of cybernetic humans. Here is a bit of it:

@SimonXIX @ijclark What about people with pacemakers?—
  (@anicecupoftea) February 15, 2013

I don’t know whether people who wear glasses really count as cyborgs, though. Mainly because the glasses are not a part of them in the same way that the pacemaker is part of me – it’s in me and literally intertwined with me. I can never be without it. It’s part of the mechanics of my body in a way that is very different to the interaction between someone and their spectacles. However, I see the flaws in my argument – what about people with removable prosthetic limbs? for one.

The idea of people-technology hybrids as being “more than human” is an intriguing one. Cyborgs are more than human in that we’re humans with ‘add-ons’, as it were, but not usually in the sense that we’re enhanced beyond normal human capabilities. However, we are also not less than human (which was Simon’s point). We usually think of cyborgs in the context of science fiction, where they’re quite often portrayed as the bad guys; and we think of them as being somehow less than human – robots, rather than people enhanced with machinery – so the term ‘cyborg’ can carry quite negative connotations. [I'm not sure whether the Cylons in Battlestar Galactica really count as cyborgs, but there is an excellent and fascinating case in point if they do.] As well as this, some people can get a bit freaked out when thinking about machine-human hybrids. Being part-machine is  not natural, it’s not ‘normal’, and humans tend not to like things or people that don’t fit their ideas about what is natural or normal. Bizarrely, when I went to see the surgeon before my heart surgery in 2008 the thing he said that upset me most was that I might have to have a pacemaker. I still can’t coherently explain why, but I think it was just the idea of having something in me that wasn’t me. It just seemed wrong. But now I know it’s perfectly alright, and being a cyborg has improved my life tremendously!

It seems that the definition of who or what is a cyborg has moved far beyond my personal opinion and what the original definition of the word referred to. If I remember rightly, the conversation on Twitter went on to discuss cyborgs and librarianship. If you’re interested in such things you might want to have a look at Simon’s post on the subject. Further afield, at least one person is arguing that “we’re all cyborgs now”:

What do you think?

_______________

*Although I may be paranoid, this is not to be confused with an android.

** Interestingly, not every dictionary defines “cyborg” in the same way. Some define cyborgs as being fictional or hypothetical, and as someone who is technologically enhanced beyond normal human capabilities. However, if one goes back to the original of cyborg (cybernetic organism) as someone who is part-machine and part-human then cyborgs certainly do exist, although most ‘real’ cyborgs are only enhanced ‘up’ to, rather than beyond, normal human capabilities (if that). Even with my pacemaker I’m not going to win any races! However, I’m pretty sure I exist…

Waiting

Some animal hospitals have segregated waiting rooms for dogs and cats (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Yesterday, it occurred to me, not for the first time, that I have probably spent an inordinate amount of time in hospital waiting rooms. This thought occurred to me while I was in a hospital waiting room, waiting for the pacing technician to come and get me for my pacing check. It hadn’t been very long since I’d been for a check, but I’ve been having some weird feelings in my neck which I thought might be to do with the pacemaker, so I went to ask about those, mainly. Anyway, the pacing technician didn’t really think the neck weirdness and the pacemaker are related. There is something that could potentially cause the problem, but the only way to find out was to re-programme me and see if it makes any difference, so that’s what she did. It is odd, the feeling of someone manipulating your heartbeat.

You might, sensibly, think that all the time I spend in waiting rooms could be spent productively; perhaps reading, or even knitting. But no. Something happens to me in waiting rooms. I become cat-like, ears pricked, senses on alert, waiting for my name to be called. I can’t seem to allow myself to focus on anything else, in case I get so absorbed in it that I miss my name being called. I’m not really sure why this is. Other people manage to read, or check their mobiles, or talk, or whatever. I suppose I’m afraid of missing the call and thus missing my appointment. In reality, this is unlikely to happen because they usually call people’s names several times if the person doesn’t respond, and the receptionist knows who’s turned up for their appointments because they have to check them in. It is an irrational concern of mine. Perhaps I’m just on edge because I’m in a hospital. Anyhow, I must have ‘wasted’ hundreds of hours waiting in hospital waiting rooms. This does seem rather a shame, to let my life go past in this way without using the time to do something more productive. I’m not sure I can change my habits, though. Perhaps next time I’ll try reading a book and see what happens.

Concert number one

The concert went quite well, all things considered. I managed to get some words muddled up, several times, which is not something I normally do, so that was a bit annoying. On the other hand, some bits we always seem to get wrong in rehearsal went alright on the night, which was good.  The students from the school were excellent, and put us to shame, as usual! They are so polite, helpful and sensible and some of them are very talented indeed. If people think today’s youth are nothing but trouble, they should meet these young people and have their minds changed.

In other news, I had my pacemaker checked today, and it is behaving very well, apparently. It was, as it always is, disconcerting to have my heart manipulated remotely. I tried to find a video of a pacemaker being checked, so I could show you what happens, but (perhaps unsurprisingly) I couldn’t find one! When the technician tested the pacemaker by slowing my heart-beat right down I felt very light-headed and weird and I was glad when he put it back to its normal setting!  Anyway, it’s all OK. I have to go back in another six months, when I will also be seeing the cardiologist.

MOT Part 2

I saw the cardiologist this morning, after first having an ECG. In summary, all is well. The pacemaker is pacing, the valve is…doing whatever it’s supposed to do, there are no leaks, the chambers are pumping. The cardiologist said that they shouldn’t need to do anything major until I’m about 50, although they will have to do relatively minor things like changing the pacemaker battery in about 7 years and possibly replacing (or just maintaining) the replacement valve in about 10 years. I mentioned the weird heart rhythms I get when I lie on my left side (yes, I know it’s a bit weird), and she said that quite a lot of people experience this or similar and that it’s nothing to worry about, just a strange thing. So all in all, it was a good report, and I don’t have to back again until this time next year.

MOT Part 1

I had the first part of my MOT today. Unfortunately, the hospital couldn’t get all the bits of it to be on the same day, so I had the pacemaker check and the ultrasound today and then I’m seeing the cardiologist on Monday.

The ultrasound was not as bad as I expected it to be. I was worried it would hurt, because they have to press quite hard to get a good picture of my heart and it can be a bit painful. I’m quite wimpy when it comes to pain, though – I don’t think most people find ultrasounds painful – they’re not supposed to be. The lady who carried out the ultrasound was very good and said she was trying not to press too hard, even without me saying anything about the potential discomfort of the test, and she was particularly careful around the pacemaker, which was the bit I’d been worrying most about, so that was good. I don’t know what the ultrasound showed, but I should find out on Monday. However, I can tell you that my heart makes a variety of interesting noises when listened to via an ultrasound machine. I particularly liked the one that sounds similar to a bodhran.

The pacing check went well. My heart was speeded up and slowed down, which was rather odd, as usual. The technician said that all was well and to come back in six months, which is what I like to hear.

Ten new things

So, it’s that time of year again – time for another ‘end of year’ blog post (although I notice I didn’t do one last year). This year, I thought I would write a post just concentrating on the new things I did in 2010, becauase there were an unusual number of these for me this year. So, here is my selection of ten new things of 2010, in no particular order:

1. Probably the most significant change to my life in 2010 was me finishing my old job as an assistant librarian and becoming a library assistant instead. This has had quite an impact on areas of my life outside work, in both good ways (less stress, extra space in my head for things other than work) and bad (not so much money, too much time spent with periodicals).
2. Becoming an aunty. This was very exciting! We saw our nephew (Mr C’s sister’s son) again over Christmas and it was so lovely to see him taking everything in and experiencing his first Christmas. He is very cute and smily and his new favourite activity is trying to eat books.
3. Doing the church magazine. This has been a challenge at times (and I know I have whinged about it on occasion), but I think it’s been good for me. I know it doesn’t seem like the most exciting thing to blog about, but I have found in quite interesting and enlightening in several ways, and I think it’s helped me contribute more to the life of our church, which is something I felt I needed to do this time last year.
4. Knitting! I started knitting in earnest this year and so far I have made: a neck wrap (messy), a scarf for my mum for Christmas (success – she likes it!), a teddy bear (has a nice smile, but is a bit wonky) and a pair of bright pink fingerless gloves (I like them and I hope the person they’re intended for does too).
5. Baking. Since receiving Cupcakes from the Primrose Bakery as a birthday present from a friend/colleague, I have made quite a lot of cupcakes and have found that I really enjoy baking and it’s nice when other people like the things you make. I received a couple more baking books for Christmas, so I have lots of new recipes to try out in 2011!
6. Other Choir. I’ve really enjoyed being part of a new choir in 2010. It’s been quite different from usual choir, and a real challenge, but definitely in a good way. I’ve learned a lot about music and singing and William Byrd (who I mean to write a blog post about sometime).
7. Tweeting. Well, this was sort of new to me, but perhaps it was more of a renaissance, as I did try to use Twitter before, when I was doing my chartership. I think this year’s attempts at tweeting have been more successful, as I have managed to connect with people a bit more this time. I’m still not very good at tweeting on a regular basis, but I have found Twitter more useful than I expected, especially as a means of trying to find out what on earth is going on in the library world…and sometimes even in the office downstairs (which tells you almost all you need to know about communication in the Shiny New Learning Centre).
8. Attending a useful management course. I mainly have this course, or at least its leader, to thank for me being able to tell my line managers that I just couldn’t do my old job anymore. Apart from that, I actually learned some salutary things about myself.
9. Online grocery shopping. I much prefer this to going round the shops and it is helpful when budgeting. Again, I know it’s not a very exciting new thing, but it was still new to me!
10. Living a whole year with a pacemaker. I think I should have celebrated my pacemaker’s birthday at the time (August 7th), but I skipped over it, somehow. So, I have now been ‘bionic’ (!) for a over a year. The pacemaker has settled in to its work much better now and I’m able to get around without any problems, for the most part, so I think my pacemaker and I are friends now. I think I still need to do more exercise, so I will try and do so in 2011.

Not shelving

The position of the pacemaker (on the left side of my chest, under my arm) means that doing anything that involves raising my left arm or having to use that muscle under the arm (no idea what it’s called, sorry) becomes rather uncomfortable after a while. Unfortunately, shelving library books involves such activity – replacing books on shelves and moving books back to make a gap to replace books, or just moving books so they are upright and nicely straight against the shelf end/divider all involve the repeated use of my arm/shoulder/chest muscles. By the time I’ve done an hour’s shelving the area around my pacemaker becomes somewhat painful. We are supposed to shelve for an hour every morning, unless we happen to be rota-ed [how do you spell that?] on the Library Point, and then I often also shelve journals in the afternoons, so I was doing quite a lot of shelving over the week.

I had hoped that it would become more comfortable as I got more used to it, but this hasn’t been the case, so, this week, I asked my nice supervisor if it would be OK if I no longer shelved in the mornings, and she said this was fine and told me I should have said something before, which of course I should. Bad Bookmouse. She had to tell our line manager, who was very nice about it, but also chastised me in a jokey kind of way (!). I will carry on shelving the journals in the afternoon, as these are normally a lot lighter and I’m usually just putting new issues in boxes, so the level of activity required is less than when shelving or tidying books.

I’m slightly annoyed that it has come to the point where I’ve had to stop doing something.  I feel like a skiver, even though I know it would be stupid to carry on doing something that’s causing me pain. Also, despite the fact that I know my colleagues will be their usual lovely understanding selves and not think badly of me, I still feel self-conscious about not being able to do what everyone else does – memories of school and sometimes having to sit out of P.E. and things spring to mind. I know this is silly, but I suppose it just comes back to me wanting to be ‘normal’ – which is also silly as  we all know there is no such thing!

The (an) irony is that I know a few people who would quite like to not have to shelve in the mornings, but I was quite enjoying it!  There’s something rather satisfying about putting books back in their proper places and making them nice and tidy. I’ll just have to find other ways of making myself useful in the mornings.

[Edited to add:] I should point out that I still love my pacemaker very much, or at least as much as it’s possible to love a very tiny computer, because it helps me do lots of things I wouldn’t otherwise be able to do. It really is an amazing piece of equipment and I’m very grateful to have it.

Just one of those things

This is just a short post that doesn’t really say very much. So what’s new? Anyway, I went to the pacing clinic last week (this post is also rather belated) because I’ve been experiencing some more  strange rhythms and beats, which I was a bit worried about. I saw one technician, who did the usual tests and didn’t know what could be causing the strangeness, so she called in her supervisor, who was also the lady I saw last time I went for a pacing check. She did some more tests, including making my heart beat in different ways, which was a bit weird, but she also had to conclude that I am a mystery. She said she didn’t like not knowing the answer, but that the  type of strangeness I’ve been experiencing is quite common and not indicative of anything untoward, it’s just one of those things. So, if the pacing experts are not worried, I will try not to worry either.

Pacing about

I went to get my pacemaker checked again today. All is well, but the technician has adjusted the settings slightly to see if we can avoid the strange ‘time delay’ phenomenon. This, (apologies if I’ve told you before) is where my heart beat is really slow when I’m trying to go up a hill, for example, but then speeds up once I’ve reached the top of the hill. I suppose it’s delayed reaction rather than time delay. The technician thought it might be to do with the response rate settings, which would make sense, but actually these seem fine. She thinks it might be something else, which she did explain to me but it was a bit technical and I didn’t quite understand it. I know I should have asked her to explain it again, but I didn’t. Anyway, she has adjusted the settings for this aspect of the pacemaker’s function, so we shall see. It’s actually been a lot better recently. Perhaps it just takes a long time to get used to me. I can’t say I blame it.

A puzzle

Most of the time I’m fine and I can walk quite a long way without getting out of breath.  I’ve been able to walk up the hill from the train station to our house without stopping every day for the last couple of weeks and then yesterday I had to stop walking about six times on the way up from town to the school up the road from our house where I was going to see a concert (which was very good, by the way). When I got to the school, I didn’t have enough energy to get across the school car park in one go. I had to do it in three stages. I don’t know why I can be alright for a while and then suddenly not be able to walk up hills or across car parks. I wonder if it’s because I didn’t practice using the stairs at work much last week, or because my energy levels had been sapped by migraines or stress or just life in general.

When I can’t do things it does make me grateful for the times when I can do them, although I must admit that this is only in hindsight – at the time I’m usually an unhappy and frustrated bookmouse. More than anything, I’m just puzzled as to why I ‘work’ sometimes and not others. Anyway, I’ll mention it when I go for my pacing check in May. Perhaps I just need reprogramming again.