Turbulent

For various reasons (work-related), I did the Myers-Briggs/16Personalities test again last week. Bizarrely, the results were helpful in explaining to me why I might be feeling this way. I am an INFJ with a side-order of Turbulence. Turbulence is the operative word.

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Turbulence

I think part of the problem is that, for most of my life (I have come to realise), I have been angry about a lot of things I can’t do anything about. As an INFJ (Advocate), I need a cause, and I have many ’causes’ (in my case quite hard-held beliefs/ideals) and I hate injustice. But I, due to a combination of my own weaknesses and The Way Things Are (the society we live in/my own circumstances which are not necessarily under my control) am unable to either progress my causes or right the wrongs I perceive. I may want/need “constant improvement”,  but I don’t get it, least of all from myself.

I started writing this post a few weeks ago, and, since then, as aforementioned, I have been seeing a counsellor. This has been helpful in several ways; one of which is that it has helped me to recognise that my turbulence manifests itself as inwardly fighting with myself about the things about myself and others that I can’t accept. My ‘wrongs’ are not necessarily (only) external factors, but also those things within myself that I don’t like (hate), my many self-perceived defects and failings, physical, mental and emotional.

If I want to become less angry I need to stop fighting and accept the things about myself that I don’t like/want; in particular, I need to accept my heart condition. I was reading the Somerville Foundation Facebook group’s page wall the other day and someone was talking about how they accept their heart condition and that they wouldn’t change anything [about it?]. I was like (in my head), ‘how can you say that? How can you accept something that’s bad and caused you loads of problems and misery etc?’ (or words to that effect). After all, who wouldn’t want to be normal if they could? But of course, as my counsellor continues to gently point out to me, there is no normal.

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Photo by Marcia Clrillo on Flickr (CC BY N-C 2.0)

I don’t know why I can’t do an Elsa and let it go – when I thought about stopping fighting against my heart condition, accepting myself as I am (which is a wider, bigger thing), I cried. I don’t know why – in a way it’s because I’m not sure there is anything else to me; maybe the fight is all I am. It feels like that sometimes -I’m on the defensive, alert – fighting or flying (turns out I’m also a serial avoider…); it’s what takes up my energy – what will I do with it if I accept myself and all my failings?

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Unseen, by Robb North (CC BY 2.0)

In order re-direct the energy formerly used for inner battles, I need to make my differences/defects/failings into something positive, like the heroine of a young adult novel.  I’ve decided to try to do this by writing (so, here we are!) and walking (which I will write more about another time). I don’t know whether this will work or not, but things can’t go on as they are, so it’s worth a try.

 

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One thought on “Turbulent

  1. It sounds a really good idea to use your energy and passion in a positive, outward way. There is no point in dwelling on things you can’t change.

    You seem so much happier when you are doing things that benefit others, for example when you were doing the photograph for the Somerville Foundation or performing in a choir. I know I feel good about myself when I am able to help other people.

    I have also learned that it is good to come to terms with needing help sometimes. In the past I hated relying on others for practical help – I am very independent and prefer to do everything myself. But then I realised that everyone likes being useful, so accepting help gracefully when I need it is a positive thing too.

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