Hazel wants to know why I don’t always have the confidence to write about the things on my list of voice-related topics for May’s NaBloPoMo (see comments on this post). Somewhat serendipitously, if not particularly cheerfully, answering her question gives me an opportunity to write about the ‘internal negative voice’, which was one of the topics on my list. I have no idea what the proper term is for this, but what I mean by it is me telling myself negative things about myself (or other things) on a regular basis. I expect most people have the same problem, unless they’re complete egomaniacs, but I know some people experience it more than others.
I’m not writing about all the things on my list of voice-related topics because I think my blog posts are rubbish and boring at the best of times, and, quite frankly, I can’t be bothered to spend time writing anything especially meaningful because it’ll end up being meaningless and dull and I may as well not have bothered*.
The above is a good example of my internal negative voice. It’s the same voice that is setting me wondering whether I’ll be able to do my job when I go back to work. Part of me is desperate to go back, because I need to get back to a normal routine and I need to see people! Another part of me is scared that I will have forgotten how to do my job, that I won’t know anything and I’ll just be a nuisance. I felt inadequate enough before I went away and now I really won’t know what I’m doing when I go back. I think I dread this feeling of inadequacy more than anything, even more than the thought of having to deal with my line manager (the two may related, however).
Oh, I probably shouldn’t even be thinking about work! And whinging certainly isn’t going to help me or make anyone who reads my blog very happy. Sorry. Time for another walk, I think.
*In case you’re wondering why I carry on writing my blog, I usually only write when I’m feeling more positive about myself and my ability to write, or when I think I need to (for example to convey news or information) but the problem with doing NaBloPoMo is that you have to write every day however you’re feeling!